“I know he’s got a hygiene problem… Sometimes people do have hygiene problems.. The way.. The way you sprayed that… In his face was not nice. The way you did it was just.. disdain. Kind of funny though… If you had a lace shirt (sic?) that I didn’t like.. I wouldn’t show it to you in a catalogue and say it was ugly… Just not nice.”
Dreams are my current preoccupation. Some recent ones of my own:
1) I am in a valley at the estate in Dartington that I had visited that afternoon in real life. The gully is steeper on one side, very muddy and with trees in the dip between the hills. It is also Oaks Park. I am running down the shallower side (Oaks) towards the band of trees. The mood is very menacing, a large black monster wolf is chasing towards me again and again but I can see it off by pretending to be a monster. I am on the other side of the trees trying to get up the muddy steeper side to where I know there are people (J’s friends) but it is impossible. I go back to try and get back up the shallow side but the wolf is coming faster than is possible and this time I can’t escape even though I’m trying to run, I am full of sick dread, then I wake up. It takes a long time to shake the mood of the dream and stop being scared. I think the wolf is loneliness.
2) I am pregnant and travelling through London, sometimes I’m also in a living room (not mine, it seems run down and poor) with my mother. The pregnancy is the main part of the dream and feels very real. I am terrified and distraught to be pregnant because I will not be able to go to university; it is as if it is real life and my life is ruined. I think I want an abortion but I love the baby and people and my mother say that I can’t. I’m talking to people, in cottages and on the underground, maybe my uncle and aunt who I am staying with, trying to get them to adopt my baby when it is born. Again for a few seconds when I wake up I am convinced this is real.
1) I am in a cabin or large crate at a desk with a man who might be with the police. I am a beautiful, glamorous woman. He is telling me that by the end of the night he will have completely terrified me. There are men outside that I know are there, wearing frightening masks. (I had this dream the same day I watched Blue Velvet.)
2) I am commuting by bike into New York along a very busy dual carriageway. I can see the famous skyline over in the distance. I cycle past people on a car who are arguing about which island we are on (so it is Stockholm as well as NYC). I am overtaken by another cyclist who stops when we get to a residential area, which is strange and has the hot compressed feeling that happens in my dreams when I am close to waking up, and someone hands him a key from behind a hedge
3) I am shopping in London. A vintage shop is closed down and I have an insatiable urge to go in.
4) I’m in a supermarket accidentally walking into people on the toilet
5) I am a debutante at a huge elaborate ball which has more detail that I can describe. I dance with men and am dressed up in numerous fancy dresses. I am walking home with my grandmother and brother (imaginary) and my brother is a fancy dandy. This is linked the dream about the vintage shop.
I am at the riding stables for my first lesson in a very long time, they have put me in a children’s group. I have forgotten my hat. I go to the shed where the hats are kept (this does not correspond with real life) to borrow one, I’m trying on hats but they don’t fit. The dream seems to skip and I’m again walking up the yard past the taps and I’m back in the shed. It’s very warm and dusty and hazy and I am very anxious trying to find a hat that fits. Suddenly I realise that I can stop it being a bad situation if I want. The dream moves, but I cannot remember where/how, I am slipping back to unconsciousness of dreaming before I recall the dark hot shed and am back in lucidity. There are horses being ridden. I am in my childhood home in the hallway and, as I know it’s a lucid dream I decide to try and fly. I run up and down the hallway but I never get airborne for more than a few seconds. I have a false awakening, my bedroom is subtly wrong but I don’t pick up on it (vases full of dead cut flowers on all the surfaces) so I go downstairs, it’s my old hall again, I am naked and I lie down on the floor and start to masturbate because I have the house to myself all day (this was the situation in my real life) but I hear suddenly someone in the shower. I think it’s my mother at first so I jump up embarrassed and go upstairs to get dressed but then I remember its a Tuesday and my mother is at work and so the person in the shower is a stranger, and the dream is now full of dread and impending terror. Then I wake up.
Undated part a)
I am walking in the woods with my dog, sister and mother in the Oaks park, it is very unlike reality. The woods encircle several large fields. We are walking down a path, I am in front, suddenly there is a small bear on the path a few metres ahead. I shout for them to turn round, there’s a bear, to get out of the woods. Its not scary at all, in fact I quite like that I’ve seen a bear in the woods. The bear is dangerous but I’m not afraid. We run out and shout for other people to follow. Out on the fields we start to cut across using the shorter mown paths but someone says that it’s dangerous out in the open and to go round the edges of the woods. There’s hundreds of people and dogs all in a line to get out of the park. The bear has followed and people are shouting to hurry up but it’s still not frightening and is even kind of fun, it feels like a fairground atmosphere. This mood intensifies as we get on the wide grass path to leave the park, it’s very busy and there’s stalls and big machinery-towing vans like at a fairground, and a paramedic is helping people with heatstroke etc.
A small sandy coloured/orange dog comes up to us on the path and I love it and want to take it home. It’s wearing a colourful rope/woven collar but we know it doesn’t have an owner. I want this dog so much that I forget about my own dog (who in real life I am totally devoted to) until I turn around to find her but she isn’t there. This is part of the bear dream but separate, as well.